she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
