Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
