Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i was born a porn star she said
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
