Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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