my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
