Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
