Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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