on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
