my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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