i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
