Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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