Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
