I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
