soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
