it's too hot outside to masturbate.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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