If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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