we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
