My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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