Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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