The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
