I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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