My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
