we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
