i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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