I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
