Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
