My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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