Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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