I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
