do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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