Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
