My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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