Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
