god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
