I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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