yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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