If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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