Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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