So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
