he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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