Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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