She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
