you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
