mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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