i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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