No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
