Kareoke will never be a sober sport
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
