i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
