she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
