apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
