i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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